Saturday, January 02, 2010

Turning of the Year

Kraig and I quietly said good-bye to 2009, and hello to 2010 the other night. I suppose the evening wasn't all quiet. We did a VeggieTales show with the girls, then put them and Jonathan down so we could have our own time. I made one of our not-letting-the-kids-in-on-it-yet favorites: homemade Alfredo sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, steamed broccoli and mushrooms--ahhh! :) I'd splurged for dessert on some Ben and Jerry's ice cream and we ate and zoned, watching the newest Star Trek movie. Thoroughly enjoyable evening! We didn't try to watch the ball drop or anything like that--just watched the clock turn over at midnight and called it a day, and a year. 

And what a year.... Though in some ways I don't feel like the year has ended yet. There is one date that is looming on my calendar, which this year to me will be "The End": January 28. I don't know what to think of it, or this month. I don't want to look forward to it with dread like I did Keren's birthday back in September.... It seemed that all of September and October I walked around with a hard lump in my chest. I don't feel like that right now--haven't since the end of October. I don't know why. I haven't tried to analyze when and how the emotions come, knowing that grief has always been like ocean waves for me, ebbing and flowing. 

But what will this month be like? I want to plan something for that weekend after the 28th, something particularly for folks from Old Village, and maybe more. I have this seedling idea of making it a day to look back at what God has done this past year, look at the amazing things that have happened, and look forward to see what He might do in the year to come. I want to keep remembering Keren, but in such a way that I'm focusing on the positive (to be cliche about it). Clare and Ev have helped me a lot there with their constant looking toward heaven when they talk about Keren. "Maybe Keren is doing this!" they say about little adventures in their own lives. Or, "When we get to heaven we'll play hide and seek with Keren in her new house." Or, "Maybe Keren and Ethan are climbing trees right now," or "giving Jesus a hug." These are the pictures I'm given over and over, and they constantly remind me that I will see Keren again and that in the meantime God has a lot going on in my life, and Keren's life and death are a part of that.... 

But will I be hit with overwhelming grief again? That's what I can't think about because it is so unknown. Kraig and I haven't had much chance to talk about it recently. I think we shy away from the topic a bit; or I shy away because I feel like my feelings and perspective right now are too bright for him to handle. That his grief is running deep there, and while he is completely trusting God in all this (I have no doubt of that), he's not willing to air his thoughts as freely as me, and so not wanting to have an "event" or anything like that. 

Anyway, that's where I'm at with the turning of this year. Kraig has said a number of times how thankful he is that 2009 was ending. It sure didn't start well, and I haven't enjoyed the grief, but there have been amazing bits of joy, too, like Jonathan's birth and watching the girls grow. We talked about that. Then there's the unknown of even this month--not just for us, but family as Kraig's grandma is deteriorating rapidly. Will we lose her this month? When it comes down to it, I agree with Kraig: January is a horrible time to start a new year, whether it's the first or the 28th. I think I'll go with Kraig's idea for my year turnover: Easter. Why not celebrate the beginning of a new year at the Resurrection? Sounds much better to me!

So, for the moment, there hasn't been a turning of this year for me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for you to find a way to mark the end of the year (Jan 28) that is just what both of you need, for where you both are right now (did that make sense?). I'm so glad you started blogging again! I'm enjoying reading your thoughts as you process "life".